Akiyode-Afolabi, talks about her life and beliefs in this interview with BOSEDE OLUSOLA-OBASA
How did you find yourself in women advocacy?
I started life as a child that could not go unnoticed either by being naughty or very engaging. That was at St Francis Primary School, Osogbo, then in Oyo State. My records and the stories older people told me showed that I have been someone who wanted her voice to be heard on issues. I was also active in sports. I remember that in Form Three in my secondary school, we learnt of a youth corp member, who sexually abused some of our colleagues. I made sure that the case was brought to the attention of the school authorities, which dealt with him. We were about ages 13 and 14 and that gave me greater prominence in school. When I got to Form Four, I represented the school in debates, quiz and sports competition. I graduated from the University of Ife in 1993, having studied Law. Before I gained admission into the school, I had yearned to study there and be part of the active students’ union. I loved the vibrancy of the students’ body in those days. I was, however, disappointed when during their election in my first week in school, I saw ballot boxes being taken away. This fell short of my expectation of a forthright body. I returned to my room and wrote a piece titled, ‘The great Ife I used to know.’ I pasted it around the campus. People read and many of them wondered what gave a ‘Jambite’ the guts to write such a piece. People eventually got to know me and started inviting me to be part of all types of groups in the school. That eventually marked the beginning of my involvement in student unionism. I became the first female public relations person for the union. And of course, my vibrancy and confrontations with the school authorities earned me several arrests, suspension and so on. It got so tense that my dad was sometimes arrested too. He almost disowned me. But I was ready to die for change. Chief Gani Fawehinmi and Femi Falana were always on hand to help us in those days. I was working for Dr. Tunji Abayomi when I got a scholarship for a Master’s degree from the Centre for Human Rights to professionalise in human rights. I worked with the International League for Human Rights, among others. But the story of Safia and the Sharia law some years ago made me to see that women needed to respond better to such issues. I got grants from the ILHR and decided to come back to Nigeria to effect change. I set up WARDC in May 2000.
So at what point in this journey did you get married?
I got married in August 2008 just before I went for my Master’s programme. I had to make a decision to get married. I thought that if I didn’t get married at age 30 it wouldn’t be necessary anymore. I got married to a long-standing friend, a medical doctor. He shares the same views with me on many issues of interest. But I had to travel for my programme two days after our wedding. I got married on a Friday and travelled out for a two-year course on Sunday. He didn’t come over to see me and I didn’t return to Nigeria until I was through.
Did you expect to come back and meet the marriage intact?
When I came back, there were issues to settle and I now counsel younger people about this. I saw a very different person when I came back. We had to talk and find out if the relationship should continue or not. We had to go back to the basics; it took us another one year to decide to continue and since then, it’s been a good marriage.
That is a rare survival, don’t you think?
I have always lived with some ideas. When I say this, people usually get unsettled. I don’t believe in this whole myth about love. For me, marriage is a contract of the mind. If it is meant to be, it will be and if it is not meant to be it won’t be.
You used to have that view or you still do?
I still do till this moment. Marriage is just a relationship and people should be free about having the relationship. There are some underlining rules guiding the relationship, which we all know. So, if it works well, good. It is a contract and that has been my attitude to marriage. I don’t attach emotions to it and I don’t believe in people saying this is what it should look like. Your marriage is what you make out of it. We have problems in marriages largely because we expect too much from it. Many times, we don’t bother to work towards what we expect, we just assume them. You expect that your spouse should be faithful to you, but you don’t see whether there are circumstances that can make people unfaithful. A lot of divorce cases are based on assumptions. People should keep open minds to make it work instead of believing that what is binding you together is one myth that cannot break called love. It has been working for me. I take marriage very lightly; it is not all about my life. I feel that I can walk out of it if I need to do so and he can do same. With that understanding, we both realise that we are managing something together to which we are mutually responsible and we have been like that for about 15 years.
Are you saying you don’t have feelings for your husband?
For me, feelings are what you make out of them, although a lot of people disagree with me on this. You can only feel what you want to feel. It’s about understanding and who you are.
How then is romance and sex in your relationship?
On romance, I believe that people were usually carried away by love story series they read when they were young. They try to play it out in reality. It makes it deceptive, a make-up. You should rather be able to determine the kind of relationship that you want and work at it instead of laying claim to love and affection. Many marital foundations are defective.
So you could have remained single for all you care?
Yes, and that is why when people are addressed as single, I don’t think that it takes anything away from them. It is a choice that people can make at any point in life. I love children, and I know that I don’t have to be married to have one. I can be a single mother; I can adopt children, adore them and live with them. I am married for as long as I think it can work.
What attracted you to your husband?
His intelligence, his analysis of issues, of female issues, among others, attracted me to him. I got into school eight years after he graduated.
Do you think the age difference makes him a mature husband?
I don’t think so. I wouldn’t notice the age difference if he didn’t tell me how old he was. He is eight years older than I am. We have seen several older men, who did badly. I think my husband actually finds me and my ideas amazing. He understands who I am and that’s the point I was making earlier. Forget about love, what we need is to understand the other person and live together based on that.
Have you ever told your husband that either of you could walk out of the relationship?
Yes. I think he knows. Initially he was not comfortable with it, but after a while, he discovered that it’s my way of reasoning.
Did your parents support this view?
My parents are very religious people. They don’t share my views. My mother remained in her marriage but you could see that she was not comfortable. Like most mothers, she stayed on because of the children and because of how they hold the marriage institution. My husband is a Muslim and I am a Christian.
So you know that by religion, he is entitled to more than one wife?
Oh yes, it is a choice of life. Even if he is a Christian, you can’t stop a man from having another wife. That is why I say that marriage is only a relationship being run by the two people involved. If you put too much seriousness into it, there may be problems.
Will you impart this view to your children?
I tell every young person who cares to listen. That is the secret to a good marriage. Leave it open. There are women who will not leave their husbands even when it becomes obvious that they (husbands) will kill them. Women take marriage more seriously and I think some men capitalise on that to hurt them.
How have you been able to cope with raising your kids and building a career?
Well, we worked it out. I have had very supportive parents in raising the children. At a point, I had a nanny, a mature woman, who comes during the week and leaves at the weekends. I don’t expect too much from the nanny, so I am able to appreciate what she does.
Which is the most emotive case you ever handled?
I have handled cases that have made me to query my returning to Nigeria because the law has not been useful to the women when it should be. There is a case involving a police corporal and his wife that we are currently handling. The man bathe his wife with hot soup, leading to very serious burns. The case has suffered so many hitches in the hands of the police because it involves one of them. I have asked them to forward the case to an unbiased umpire, but they refused, while the woman goes about with her burnt body. There is no justice.
Looking back at what you described, are you fulfilled?
Yes. There is still more work to do though, but I have contributed significantly to the society in my small way. We still expect the government to show more sincerity to the girl child.
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